Changing Someone in a Relationship

If you’ve been with someone for a long time, you might notice that there are some things that you’re starting to realize you don’t really like about your partner, and you wish they were different. This especially happens when you’ve been with them for a while because you’re tired of putting up with some things you might have even thought would eventually change.

Some people think this means they should change their partner into what they want them to be, but that’s not a good solution. Below you’ll learn more about why you might want to change your partner and why you shouldn’t try to do so.

Difference Between Changing and Helping Improve Someone

In a relationship, it’s okay to want to help someone improve in certain aspects. However, it is not okay to want to change them. Here is a list of examples of changing someone versus helping them improve.

• They constantly interrupt you. This is an instance where you have to analyze the situation you’re in and how the person is. If they always interrupt everyone no matter what, forcing them to interrupt you less by getting angry or causing arguments about it, would be trying to change someone that probably can’t help it and isn’t doing it intentionally. If you want to help them improve without forcing change upon them, there are different ways you could go about it. First, you need to make sure they are on board with improving, this applies to all provided examples. Then you can let them know when they’re interrupting you so they can be more aware of it.
• They have a hobby you don’t like. If they have a hobby you don’t like, it’s not okay to try to change their interests. This is a scenario where you’re the one who needs to get on board or at least be accepting of what they’re interested in, even if you’re not interested in that as well. You need to realize people aren’t always going to have the same interests you have, and you need to accept them for who they are, with their hobbies and all.
• They have bad habits. This is something that you could try to help them improve since it is in their best interest. It might take some time to get them to understand that you want to help them improve their bad habit, but it’s important they want to do it. For example, if they smoke a lot, changing them could look like wanting to force them to quit. However, helping them decrease the amount they smoke, is a way to help them improve without forcing change.

Reasons You Might Try to Change Your Partner

There are several reasons you might want to change your partner. Below are a few of the most common ones.

You’re unhappy with them.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, you might find yourself wanting to change them in hopes that you’ll find happiness with them again. You’ll want to change all the flaws you’ve noticed throughout the relationship because you wish they didn’t exist.

However, doing so might make you happier at their expense, making it the wrong approach. You should ask yourself if you think it’s okay for you to be happier if they change while making them unhappier because they were always okay with who they were.

You don’t like them anymore.

When you’ve been in a relationship for an extended amount of time, people naturally change within the relationship. Perhaps the person has changed so much on their own, that they’re not who they were at the beginning, or maybe you’ve changed your likes and dislikes.

Whichever of the two options it may be, you don’t really like them anymore when it comes down to it. For this reason, you might notice yourself trying to change them into someone you like again.

This isn’t a good idea because you’ll be trying to change something that shouldn’t have to change. In cases like these, the best thing you can do is move on to someone you do like.

You have different goals.

Usually, when you’re in a relationship, it’s because you can see a future with the person you’re with. To have a future with someone, your goals must align with theirs. Perhaps they don’t have to be the same, but the big life goals you may have should be somewhat in sync with theirs.

If you’re in a situation where your partner has different goals than you do, don’t try to change them. It’s perfectly valid to wish things were different, but changing them isn’t the solution.

Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Try to Change Your Partner

There are many, many reasons why you shouldn’t try to change your partner. It’s not going to end up well for either of you if you do, and no one is really going to benefit from it, although it seems like it when you try to change them. So instead, keep the following list in mind to remember why it’s not a good idea to change your partner.

You likely won’t be content.

When you change someone, it’s like a fake high. You think that because you changed them into what you wanted, things will be good again, and you’ll be happy. However, if you truly care about your partner, you’ll notice that the changes they made for you were never something they really wanted, and you’ll notice they’re unhappy, which will affect you. So although you think you may be content changing them, eventually, you’ll wish you hadn’t done it.

You wouldn’t like it if they tried changing you.

Imagine if it were the other way around and they were trying to change you. It might make you think something is wrong with you, it might hurt your feelings, or it might simply feel bad to know that they wish you were different so much that they are trying to change you so you can be what they want. Putting yourself in their shoes and imagining how they would feel is a good way of helping you understand why you shouldn’t try to change them.

It’s rude.

It’s rude and disrespectful to try to change someone. When you’re with someone, you need to respect them and not be rude to them. It’s a basic principle to have in any relationship. Changing them isn’t a respectful thing to do and can be considered rude.

You should be with someone because you accept them as they are.

If you want to change the person you’re with, you don’t accept them as they are, and you should only be with someone if you accept them as they are.

Self Improvement Before Asking for a Change

If you’ve thought about changing your partner, perhaps you’re the one who needs to be making some changes instead. It might not all fall on your partner, you could be part of the issue. If you start making some changes to improve yourself first, things might start falling into place for both of you. The following is a list of things you could try to do to improve yourself before trying to change your partner.

1. Be better.

Improve yourself before trying to change someone else. You never know if focusing on yourself first will fix the issues you may be experiencing, and exploring if that could be a solution is better than putting your partner through your attempt to change them.

2. Focus on improving your current issues.

You may be going through something difficult or dealing with your own issues, and focusing on improving those first could make a huge change in the relationship without either of you having to change.

3. Hold yourself accountable.

Holding yourself accountable for your flaws and mistakes will make you realize that it might not all be on your partner, and you might be responsible for some of the things you thought they needed to change. This will save you the trouble of trying to change your partner.

4. Don’t blame your partner.

This goes along with the previous point because holding yourself accountable allows you to realize that you may have made a mistake and shouldn’t blame your partner. You won’t get far by pointing fingers and blaming someone else.

Chances are, if you’re trying to change your partner, you’re probably not happy in the relationship, or you see so much potential that you want it to work so badly you hope that they’re willing to make some changes in the relationship so it can work.

Knowing when to let go can be tricky, but you need to ensure you’re not confusing the two. One thing is to hope they can improve in certain areas, and another is trying to change who they are.